Sitting in Silence

I have struggled for a few weeks with how to word my new blog post.  Transparency is the goal.  Most of you know that Luke has a job he loves, unfortunately it takes him out of town for most of the year.  Most of you know that Luke and I have struggled in our marriage and come out the other side closer than when we started.  We have an amazing life.  We have been blessed beyond our deserving.  We have two healthy beautiful children.  I would put our families and friend in the running for the best on the planet.  We have lived from one side of the country to the other.  All in all a great life.

But lately, I have found myself sad, discontent with our circumstances.  So I have spent a lot of time working through this with God.  I have sought advice and comfort from family and friends.  And I have come across some things that have been very surprising and a little frustrating.  There seems to be a prevalent thought that just because you have it all you should be grateful and happy.  As though those two things are mutual.  Or that because you know the end game or out come you should be happy.  I would like to propose that grateful and happy are two different things and that peace in the process is different from being happy in it.

Case in point, my husband is an amazing man.  He leaves a family who loves him and he loves fiercely in return every week to go and make the best possible living he can.  However, in doing so he is missing our life.  He is missing our children growing.  While I am grateful to God and to him for what he does, I am saddened by our separation.  I know that this is a season in our life, not a forever.  We face coming changes in this circumstance, I know the outcome.  Any one who knows me knows I struggle with fear of whats to come.  For the first time in my walk I feel at peace about the coming changes or lack thereof.  It doesn't matter what happens God will provide, I am convinced.  But that doesn't make the patience in waiting easy or the pain in separation any less acute.

For a while now I have struggled with these feelings.  How do these feelings all live together in one person? Am I showing an ungrateful heart by being sad or discontent? So I turned to God for help...his example was Jesus.  Wow.  The creator of the universe knows your pain.  He's been there, done that.   Jesus cried in the garden over the separation that was to come between Him and His Father.  He begged God to take this pain from him, but was willing to face it anyway.  He knew the end game, the outcome, He knew his purpose and still felt sorrow. Here's what else I saw, it wasn't for nothing.  There was a reason for the pain.  An amazing joy and gift for all the world was the out come.  But, there was pain in the wait. Jesus knew all of this and still felt it, still faced it.
I am grateful for the job my husband has that provides for our family.  I am sad that it means he misses our life.  For weeks I have felt alone, no one seemed to understand what I was going through.  I prayed for peace and comfort and found none.  I tried to seek those things from the people around me.  Then, I searched the bible and read about peace and provision and comfort that is unending from a place of such love that only God can offer.  Finally, I heeded it's word and stopped struggling and am sitting in silence.  Waiting for God to bring me peace and waiting for God bring our family back together. 

Let me encourage you today.  Whatever your struggle, whatever your circumstance or sorrow, you are not alone.  God is with you in your pain. He hears your cries and when your heart is broken and there are no words, the bible says he hears your heart.  I have been there, I'm there still.  I finally understand what James meant when he said count it all joy when you face many trials, I know I am learning perseverance and patience. I know I am growing. This week he brought me comfort that my sorrow is not for nothing, there is change in the trial.  Growth for me and Luke.  I am comforted that I am not alone in my sorrow over our separation. I am not alone.