Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sufficiency and Prayer

Wow...what change can happen in a month.  I'm sure I've said it before, but I'm amazed at my life and so grateful for every moment.  Even the bad ones.  In the last month I have changed.  I am fascinated by these changes.  They're all through me...and all around me.  I have seen God move in my life in new and totally unexpected ways.  I am physically stronger and spiritually rested for the next step of my journey.  I watched my first child get baptized by a young man who I love like a was one of the most joyful moments of my life. I have had front row seats to watching lives of friends and family fall apart. I have learned prayer and patience in situations that were well beyond human capabilities to fix and been angry with God for what I felt was a lack of proper response on His part.  I have seen new lives grow and been blessed beyond measure to be a small part of those tiny little lives.  I have discovered a renewed passion for the institute of marriage.  Not just mine but in coming long side others who are struggling in theirs...young and old.  I don't have the answers but God does.

Mostly this month has taught me to really mean it when I say that my God is sufficient to meet my needs. I have struggled with my faith, believing fully God would fix things and when he didn't, dealing with the aftermath of shaken faith.  In all these times of spiritual, physical and emotional weakness I have persisted.  I have beat down the door heaven with prayer. I believe with all my heart that God blesses our struggling faith. He shores up the defenses of our hearts while we take wobbly toddler steps into new and bigger faith.

No matter what is going on in your life, what secret sins you carry, what battles you are fighting, what broken situation you are facing, I believe with every breath and fiber of my being that God has you in his hands.  I believe that God is sufficient for your every weakness, your every hurt and worry and need. I believe in the power of His Great name.  I don't know what the future may hold for me or for the people around me who's struggles I'm praying over or for the people around me with secret struggles. But I know where my hope comes from. I'm praying for you...wherever you are.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

New Insecurities & A New Month

A month....such a short time in the span of a life. But man, what changes God can make in a month.  It has amazed me, how did I ever have time for a job?  When did my kids get so mouthy? Why is everything on my nerves haha?  I can only imagine that every woman making the transition from full time employee to full time mom must have these thoughts.  If not, don't tell me, I'm already feeling a little guilty!

What. Was. I. Thinking.  This is hard.  Because the truth is, my house is not spotless, I'm not Mary Poppins.  My kids aren't perfect and I don't want them to be.  They are screamin, fightin, toy throwin, no pickin up their trash kids.  They are getting on my nerves haha!  AND I miss my job!  Some one tell me I'm not alone.

I knew this whole adventure would be more than I could even imagine.  I have loved every blessed second, even when I was dealing with meltdowns, arguing, crying, and the endless mess that comes with kids who know how to be kids. I started this blog with the thought that I would document everything.  Not just the happy sunshine and roses posts but an honest look at what this new adventure really is.  I almost didn't even write this post.  You see, no one wants the world at large to know that this isn't easy and we're not perfect.  We want to show up in public never having a day with well dressed (or at least clean) and well mannered kids.  We want to look like we have it together.  Because if "they" really one would like me...much less love me.  So I decided, in all my 32 fantastic years of wisdom, to be transparent...lay it all out there.  Give some one the courage to do what God is calling them to despite their fears or worries. Tonight was a gut check. It is hard to admit my sweet little angel babies are holy terrors.  It's hard to admit that while I want this life still, that today working doesn't seem so bad.

I am unfailingly grateful that I serve a God who knows my moods.  That I have a Father who sees MY unholy tantrums and behavior and loves me just as I am.  That I have one safe place to turn and cry out to, one mighty God who created me for this purpose that he has set before me.  That humbling feeling that even after today when they've made me insane that God has entrusted the lives of the two precious babies asleep in their beds to me...with all my short comings and imperfections. Wow...Jesus, help me with my perspective.  Create in me a clean heart with pure motives.  As I practice patience with my children, remind me of your patience with me.  Help me take one step at a time in your direction, guide me as their mother on your path. Help me love them me love them like you do.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Jesus and Christina Aguilera

Shew! The end of July has been a whirlwind.  When I quit working I worried about what in the world I would do for a month before school started....haha....silly woman.  We had a great time in Texas and even hijacked my cousin Sarah for a few weeks and brought her home with me.  She's been a blessing beyond her knowing.  She's brought me joy and pushed me to be better.  I'm so glad she's been here.

Some of you know and some don't, I joined a gym.  Laughable right?  Me, the girl who's always said I'm just fine the way I am and meant it with all my heart.  Unlike a lot of women I've been large my whole life.  I don't have memories (or clothes in my closet) to remind me of when I was petite.  I thank God for that, I have no expectations to live up to.  When the personal trainer asked me "When and what size were you your most happy?" she seemed surprised when I answered, I've never been UN-happy.  Now that's not to say I haven't wished to be smaller or have a perfect body, I mean come on what girl hasn't looked at picture and said/thought "if only I looked like that I could be happy".  But for the most part I'm content.  I love food haha! But as I've passed 30 I've started to notice that life has gotten harder to live.  I'm tired and my stairs kill me.  I want to be around for my kids and I don't want to look like shamoo when my grandkids get here haha! So I joined a gym.  With thoughts of starting slow with no results.  Then Sarah happened.  She told me to suck it up and move my fat but hahahaha!  Because of her, the first week I lost 7 pounds! And I didn't pass out or die.

Yesterday started week two.  I walked on the treadmill and worked out with weights.  I've never been an exerciser (obviously).  But in my list of one day wishes, I've always wanted to run.  There seems to me to be a sort of freedom in running.  It's my learn to be a runner.  But I'm afraid.  What if I can't, what if it hurts, what if I try all this and fail? Once a week I have a small index card book that I write in a read.  It's full of my favorite scriptures.  I was reminded yesterday of the promises I cling to, of all the things I was made for, of the the gifts and strengths God has given me.  So yesterday I got back on the treadmill to cool down and was thinking of scripture when I decided to run.  Christina Aguilera's song Beautiful came on my ipod while I was like a hug from God.  I truly felt beautiful for the first time in a long time.  A sweaty and nasty and breathing hard kind of beautiful.  God is my portion and my strength and I am not afraid.  Right after that Carrie Underwood started singing How Great Thou Art and I started crying.  It was a shock to me.  I really can do this.

For me, yesterday was a release.  I think some times I put this label on God.  A label that says he's here for me emotionally or spiritually.  I've heard him heal (and seen it myself) people who or sick or need a physical touch.  But yesterday, when I prayed for strength and courage to begin my goal he was right there for me.  ME, the woman with every I can't excuse. He helped me take all the excuses away.  He gave me time, a husband who supports me, friends and family who are pushing me, and most of all he gave me the want to. I really can do this....with his help, I really can. What freedom there is in Jesus.